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The Gong Show
By Ed Williams, Sat Dec 10th
I have a confession to make this week. A confession that needsto be made, but is embarrassing just the same. And so, withoutfurther ado, here it is: I’ve gotten hooked on “American Idol.” I know, I know, I wish one of y’all would just walk up and slapme right now. Bad thing is, I can’t figure out why. I didn’twatch one episode of it the first three seasons it was on, andit didn’t bother me in the least. I thought people were crazyfor putting so much emphasis on Ruben, Clay, and Fantasia. Imean, if you multiplied any one of them by a thousand you stillwouldn’t have someone worthy enough to help Elvis get dressedfor a show. But, despite all that, I’m hooked.
It started innocently enough. A few months ago, I was in frontof the TV one night with my daughter Alison, and she mentionedthat “American Idol” was about to come on. I was going to get upand go do something else, but she asked me to stay and watch itwith her. And that’s how it all got started. The show was broadcast out of Las Vegas or St. Louis orsomewhere, and thousands of people had shown up to audition. Theauditions themselves were pretty simple - the contestants walkedin and sang in front of the three judges, Randy, Paula, andSimon, who collectively decided whether or not to pass them onto the next round. When the first contestant came out, mycuriosity perked
up a little. She was a tad on the healthy side, no, let‘s be honest, shedidn’t look like too many Butterfinger bars had ever escaped hergrasp. What made it even worse was that she had this black dresson with things that looked like octopus tentacles hanging offthe bottom. I could tell that the judges wanted to laugh outloud, and when she started singing, man oh man, a truck full ofhogs running into a crate filled with ducks would’ve soundedbetter. She was simply horrible. And right at that moment, Ibecame hooked, and then I figured out why.... “The Gong Show!” Y’all remember “The Gong Show?” Man, I sure do.“The Gong Show” was set up somewhat along the same lines as“American Idol,” but it was even better. A whole lot better. Andhere’s why: On “The Gong Show,” you had a host who brought out the acts(Chuck Barris), and three judges who rated them. Right behindthe judges was a gong. When an act came out and performed, thejudges would vote for it utilizing a one-to-ten scale. Thescores would then be totaled up, and whichever act had thehighest total at the end of the show won. It was fair, simple tounderstand, but that wasn’t the best thing about “The GongShow.” The best thing was whenever a truly crummy act came outand performed. If it stunk to high heaven and back, any one ofthe three judges could turn around and strike the gong - thatmeant the act had to stop performing right then and there. Andsince “The Gong Show” only offered a few hundred bucks towhomever won, the overall quality of their acts was generallypoor, which made them great fun to watch. Especially more fun towatch than these slicked up kids they’ve got on “American Idol.”They’re all too squeaky clean, not one hair out of place, andthe their song selections are simply atrocious. The other nightI almost swallowed a whole ice cube when one of the Idolcontestants sang the old Partridge Family hit, “I Think I LoveYou.” The bad thing was, the young man was singing it like itwas the most serious song he‘d ever heard. It nearly caused meto curse out loud, which is something I’ve never done before inmy life. Folks, let me go ahead and tell y’all what’s gonna happen onIdol. Those record company execs who run the show have prettymuch decided that either Carrie or Bo has the potential to sellthe most records. So Randy, Paula, and Simon are going to steerpublic opinion towards those two as much as they can. Justwatch, I’d bet a BTO CD on it. And while I’m watching it allunfold over the next few weeks, I’ll better understand why mymind keeps flashing back to “Gene, Gene, The Dancing Machine,”“The Unknown Comic,” “Larry and his drum,” and that simplelittle gong....
About the author:Ed’s latest book, “Rough As A Cob,“ can be ordered by callingRiver City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. He’s also apopular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number ofSoutheastern publications. You can contact him via email at:ed3@ed-williams.com, or through his web site address at:www.ed-williams.com.
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